Bike ride

A few nights ago I was biking home drunk from the house of a boy who "loves me but just isn't sexually attracted" because barbaraholm.com. On my way I stopped at a store, parked my bike, with the intention of buying ice cream and a frozen pizza and eating all of it.... throw up food, you get it... I even locked up my bike, but after crying in the parking lot for a minute, I got back on my bike and went home, without going in, passing up on the opportunity to binge and purge. I couldn't have done that a year ago. I made a choice not to fall off the wagon. I choose to be strong, because I wanted to. It was a hard moment for me, and even more difficult to admit, because if I admitted I had that capacity to make the choice for myself, I was letting everyone down every time I had fallen off the wagon and every time I may fall off it in the future. I was afraid if I told people this entire time I have had the willpower, that everyone would be mad at me for every time I have fallen and every time I will again. But, I am on the wagon for me, and no one will be mad the next time I fall off. The only one I will be letting down, really, is myself.

Not good

I haven't successfully eaten solid food since Saturday. Whenever I try to put solids in my mouth I start gagging. I've been getting enough calories by drinking juice, smoothies and soup, but it's frustrating how simultaneously terrified and physically nauseous food is making me. Yesterday I tried to eat a bowl of rice and beans and I could only get one bite down before I ran to the bathroom to throw it back up. I'm not using my fingers or gagging myself on purpose; I'm just so crippled by anxiety that I can't swallow solid foods. It's like all of my anxiety is trapped in my throat and stomach and anything more dense than a smoothie can't make it's way down.

I just got dumped on Saturday, and that always seems to be a trigger for the anorexia. Hey, silver linings playbook, at least it's not bulimia! It's very pathetic that I count that as a win. I hate that my anxieties seem to fail the bechdel test. I hate that I am so desperate for the love of a man, and unrequitted love can ruin my life. I wish I were stronger.

I'm not starving myself on purpose; in fact I wish I could eat more. I'm not trying to diet or imposing restrictions. I'm just so wound up and full of tension that I literally can't fit any solids inside of me. I'm scared that I'm going to start throwing up everything again, especially when I try to eat anything.

I feel like I have this thick, giant, dark presence inside of me, like a swirling dark sludge of pain and anxiety, wound so tightly around itself that I can barely breathe, pressing against my heart and ribs. I'm barely eating but I constantly am gagging, trying to get the darkness out of me. I don't think I can handle this much anxious tension. I just want to puke or shit all of the angry pain out of me. It hurts to breathe.

I feel like this a lot in moments of unrequitted love. In this case, I suppose the love was reciprocated, but I drove him away, sabotaged everything, because I wasn't ready to be with anyone, to be loved, because I still needed (and wanted) to work on myself. For some reason, I just feel like I'll never be capable of being in a romantic relationship without fucking it up. I worry that there's something about me so evil and intrinsically unloveable that I'll always hurt everyone I care about and I'll always be a burden on my friends. I'm so evil that I can't have any relationships without hurting the one I love. Everyone I care about would be happier if I just disappeared from existence.

How to get your life back in order, Barbara

How to get your life back in order, Barbara

(Please adjust the list and make your own based on your own needs/ desires)

1. Clean Room
2. Start running
3. Put more attention and drive into comedy career
4. Do nice things for friends and family, make gifts for them
5. Smoke pot to help with the not eating stuff
6. Makeover
7. Buy soup and fruit and soft easy to eat foods
8. Organize room
9. Make to do lists
10. Produce more comedy/ art