Not good

I haven't successfully eaten solid food since Saturday. Whenever I try to put solids in my mouth I start gagging. I've been getting enough calories by drinking juice, smoothies and soup, but it's frustrating how simultaneously terrified and physically nauseous food is making me. Yesterday I tried to eat a bowl of rice and beans and I could only get one bite down before I ran to the bathroom to throw it back up. I'm not using my fingers or gagging myself on purpose; I'm just so crippled by anxiety that I can't swallow solid foods. It's like all of my anxiety is trapped in my throat and stomach and anything more dense than a smoothie can't make it's way down.

I just got dumped on Saturday, and that always seems to be a trigger for the anorexia. Hey, silver linings playbook, at least it's not bulimia! It's very pathetic that I count that as a win. I hate that my anxieties seem to fail the bechdel test. I hate that I am so desperate for the love of a man, and unrequitted love can ruin my life. I wish I were stronger.

I'm not starving myself on purpose; in fact I wish I could eat more. I'm not trying to diet or imposing restrictions. I'm just so wound up and full of tension that I literally can't fit any solids inside of me. I'm scared that I'm going to start throwing up everything again, especially when I try to eat anything.

I feel like I have this thick, giant, dark presence inside of me, like a swirling dark sludge of pain and anxiety, wound so tightly around itself that I can barely breathe, pressing against my heart and ribs. I'm barely eating but I constantly am gagging, trying to get the darkness out of me. I don't think I can handle this much anxious tension. I just want to puke or shit all of the angry pain out of me. It hurts to breathe.

I feel like this a lot in moments of unrequitted love. In this case, I suppose the love was reciprocated, but I drove him away, sabotaged everything, because I wasn't ready to be with anyone, to be loved, because I still needed (and wanted) to work on myself. For some reason, I just feel like I'll never be capable of being in a romantic relationship without fucking it up. I worry that there's something about me so evil and intrinsically unloveable that I'll always hurt everyone I care about and I'll always be a burden on my friends. I'm so evil that I can't have any relationships without hurting the one I love. Everyone I care about would be happier if I just disappeared from existence.